Two Years Post Transplant

Just a small post to anyone still stumbling across this blog to say that I am still here and doing great... except I have just been diagnosed with the piggy flu and am now on TamiFlu.

Also, a friend of mine has a new single out on the 20th July. He goes under the name Kid Harpoon and is the fella of Veronica's cousin, Jenny. If you are in any way into music you need to check out his two EPs on iTunes. You owe it to yourself.

Get it!!




Follow Kid Harpoon on Twitter and MySpace.
Official site is here.
A very recent session with Steve Lamacq on Radio 1 can be found here.

ONE YEAR POST TREATMENT

October 11th 2007. It was one year ago today that I finally finished my cancer treatment.

And how did I spend this momentous anniversary?

In bloody hospital. You couldn't make it up. :-)

Becca managed to get her finger stuck in a door and successfully ripped her middle finger nail clean off. The poor wee mite was in agony so a trip to A&E, a tummy full of paracetamol and 'brufen, an X-Ray and a large bandage later and all is well again... for now. The next few weeks are going to be fun trying to stop her whacking her hand against everything.

So why no updates?

Basically I've been trying to rebuild my life.

I'm still not sure exactly which is the harder... dealing with cancer or living after having it. Even now everything I seem to do always has a "hint of cancer" in it. It is impossible to forget what you have been through but at the same time you have to push it far back in your mind in order to move on.

Other people make it hard as well. They don't mean to; it is just human nature. People forget that I had a shit-load of treatment. If I'm tired... and believe me i get knackered as I'm still anemic etc... I get accused of using my spell of Hodgkins as an excuse. "It was a year ago. You're fine now. Deal with it.". It gets on my tits.

Anyway, I'll post another update soon as I have a lot to say and I think people in my office don't read this anymore so I think I can open up in peace but I just wanted to do a quick update and say:-

"I'M STILL ALIVE"

I'm one of the lucky ones.

And I know it.

Day + 277

<--- That's me, that is.
I feel as if someone has slipped a concentrated tablet of DHAP into my tea or Irn Bru. My elephant friend from April 2007 has returned and setup camp on my head. My stomach is grumbling and every rumble has me clenching buttocks tightly. Oh, and we have the odd bit of vomiting thrown in for good measure. At least my 103F+ fever has gone away. Small consolation, eh?

I blame Kel. I was fine till I spoke to her on the phone when she was ill.

Bleuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!

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Currently on iPod :- Nothing. Head too sore

A little bit of sad news.

A very quick note to pass on the news that a fellow SCT buddy, Peggy, has passed away. The last I heard she was doing the well... the next thing; well. Peggy had the same stage and flavour of cancer as myself and her moving on has brought some thoughts to the front of mine.

I now realise and accept that I am, no matter what any doctor, oncologist or friend says, on borrowed time. I've dodged the reaper so far.
Life is short. I've thing I need to do. There's people I need to speak to, tell them how I feel. There's old friends I need to get back in touch with. I don't want to have any regrets.

Just another tune.

This is by Sigur Rós and is called Glósóli.
If you've never heard any of their music then I would suggest you do.
If you need to relax with the lights off and a few candles on then this is the "band" for you. If you need music to cry to then this is the "band" for you. If you need music to give you a lift... well, you catch my drift!


If the music combined with the video fail to move you then you have no soul. It is stunningly beautiful.



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Currently on iPod :- Nothing! Raiding YouTube for my fav videos.

Nothing to do with cancer.

I love you, Utah Saints.
Re-releasing this tune right now brings back so many great memories!
The video is absolutely superb and, if pushed, I can still dance like this. :-)

Utah Saints - Something Good 08



I can't stop grinning when I watch this!

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Currently on iPod :- Utah Saints - Something Good

Short... but sweet.

Sorry for the delay in updating.
I'm still clean.

Kidneys seem to be hosed but we can live with that.

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Currently on iPod :- MGMT - Time to Pretend

Below is the latest extract from Aleses' journal. Her parents keep it going in her memory. I've pasted it here in the hope that just a few more people "help out".
Jennifer has gone through hell for three long years and has now been told what the future is. She doesn't know how long she has. Please read her journal and give her all the support you can.
I hope I have as much courage and dignity when my time comes around.

Stupid fucking disease. I fucking hate it.
I'm tired of crying and being so helpless.

Thanks.

A Small Favor…

On several occasions Alese asked for help for one of her friends in the text of a journal update…Whether is was for prayer or requesting that people get genetically tested for a bone marrow match.

In this case, it’s for one of Alese’s dear friends Jennifer Willey… Jennifer is 28 and lives in Maine, she is a Hodgkin’s survivor; however, Jennifer underwent a bone marrow transplant and as a result she has chronic Graft vs. Host disease, this is when the body rejects the donor cells. This is a very bad scenario and there is no cure.

I’m requesting that you do three things…. First, pray for Jennifer and her family. Second, please go to her website at: www.freewebs.com/jenniferwilley/index.htm and inundate her quest book with encouraging words. Third, forward this request to a couple your friends and ask them to do the same.

Jennifer is a warm, courageous person and your encouragement will help. Just click on the Sign My Guestbook link.

Father, I ask you to put your hand on Jennifer... Bring her comfort, please take away her pain. Father, heal her body, strengthen her family and bring joy to her family and their home during these difficult days.

Blessings,

The Coco’s

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Currently on iPod :- Placebo - Slave to the Wage

Good lyric in this tune that I need to follow through with:-

All it takes is one decision
A lot of guts,
A little vision
to wave,
Your worries,
and cares goodbye.

What to say?

Life goes on?
Time is a healer?
The longer you're in remission the easier it gets?

I dunno.
I'm approaching "appointments week" next week, and, up until today I was doing not bad. Buried myself in my work and had been focusing my emotions on other people. Today, however, has been pretty sucky.
Every twinge is cancer.
Every itch is cancer.
Every cough is cancer.
The confidence that I'm still clean seemed to vanish today and I can't explain it. Usually I'm pretty calm about seeing my onc and my nurse. I would see these meetings as a safety net... a reaffirmation that I was still OK, still clean, still normal... still alive.
Now I don't want anyone to examine me. I don't want more bloods taken. I don't want more scans. I don't want prodded and poked.

I don't want to be told I have cancer again.
I don't want to know.
I want to live in blissful ignorance.

Can I do that? I can't be forced to attend appointments, can I? They can't drag me into a CT/PET scanner. They can't force a needle into me.
I know the signs of this disease. I know the ins and outs of this fucking curse better than any GP. Can I not look out for myself now? I really don't need the reminder of what I've been through that appointments bring.
Just as I begin to push cancer to the back of mind I look at the calender and there it is.

Taunting me.
"You have an onc appointment."
"Your bone marrow appointment is in a couple of months."
"The radiation team want you in on this date."
Remember you had cancer? Oooooooh! Is it still there? Has it come back? Fancy more chemo? Side effect still bad? Secondary cancers?

I do think I know what is wrong with me this time and I'm man enough to admit it.

I'm afraid.
I'm scared shitless that it's all going to be taken away again.

I've been here, in this position, already. I've had my life back before and had it ripped out from under me. I've been back to work in the past thinking it was all over. The memories are still oh so fresh; of that day when I was told cancer had come back. It wakes me up at night and I'm sure it always will. I haven't been this strong, physically, in 2 years. I couldn't face giving it all back again.

But... if I have to... I will.
Because I want to live; just a little bit longer.

Also, I've discovered I'm an orange... which is kinda disturbing for a green Irishman like myself.
I nicked this "highly personal" quiz from Baldylocks and I am a bloody orange. If you haven't read the Adventures of Baldylocks then check out her blog asap. It's linked in my links menu. Check out her art work. I don't "do" art... I'm an art heathen/atheist... but the creative works she has produced stir something in me.
And her surname is the same as mine so you know she rocks :-)

You Are an Orange

You have a zest for life, especially for anything colorful, wild, or dramatic. You have a unique take on the world, and you're not afraid to be a little funky. You are a bit reserved toward people who don't know you well. You have a thick skin, which can protect you from anything that goes wrong in your life. Once someone does get to know you, they totally get and appreciate you. Your friends see you as a bright person with a refreshing take on life.

What Type of Fruit Are You?

Is it accurate? I'm not totally convinced!

Next up, my old puppy Kelly was sent to the great kennel in the sky. I miss that doggy so much. Below is the last photo of her with Becca.


Finally, just the usual note of thanks to the people who have helped me on my journey so far.
A special thanks to the people I have picked up on the way. It's different for you guys; my old family and friends had no choice really but to help and be supportive :-) ... you newbies came in when I was probably at my worst and accepted me as I was. Some of you had cancer and some of you didn't. Some of you were mere acquaintances pre-cancer but stood up to the plate when it would have been easier to walk away and we've became close friends.
I'm very grateful to you all.

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Currently on iPod :-
Get Cape, Wear Cape, Fly - Find the Time
I was a Cub Scout - Save your Wishes
Ice Cube - It was a Good Day
Vampire Weekend - A Punk
Prodigy - Charly
Man, this post took a few tunes!

Please think of my friends this week.

I've not got time to update this just yet with my adventures in the USA but just wanted to show solidarity, love and support for three very dear friends who will each be going through their own private trip to hell this week.

First up Darrel is having his 9 month post-transplant PET scan on Tuesday. He had a slightly dirty one last time around so we're all hoping for better results this time.
Next, Kelly is having a PET on Thursday. She won't admit it but she'll be anxious right now. Scanxiety sucks big time.

Finally, Bekah. Our Bekah.
She starts round two of ICE salvage this week.
I so wish I could do it for her but I can't.
Read her blog and read the comments left for her. It may help you understand why I, and everyone she meets, love her so much and unconditionally.

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Currently on iPod :- Adele - Chasing Pavements

Yeeeee Haw.

So this evening, after a three hour drive, I find myself holed up in a Best Western Hotel in Crossville, Tennessee. It a smallish town between Nashville and Knocksville on route 40. I don't know if there is owt to do here but I'm going to go and find out in a bit.

All I've done this weekend is shop and eat. Coming over here from the UK right now is a shoppers dream. The dollar is so weak that things are almost free for us! I have to buy another bag to check in as I'm going to get a far whack of stuff... it would be rude not to.
Food wise, I'm still a bit disgusted with portion control here but am learning. Now we have one starter between the three of us and then have our main meal with one side between us as well. It seems to work ok but there are still left overs.

Now off exploring.

(and I'm still a gay icon)

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Currently on iPod :- Kate Nash - Pumpkin Soup